Thursday, June 28, 2012

Let Me Have A Moment Would ya~!

Over the last three months we've been told at each appt, that the ultrasound said "GIRL". OMG , GIRL!!!! As in, WOW! 4 boy's and now a daughter??? No way would I believe that. So the 1st month Matt and I sat anxiously waiting for our next appt to see if the Dr could verify her earlier prediction of "girl".
Month 2 once again she predicted "More girl than a boy I think" and neither Matt or I were willing to accept that, but I have to admit I started letting myself dream a little. A little wee girls name was choosen and we sat wondering if this could really be true. Neither prediction was 100% so we were still skeptical. Month 3 there she goes again with "it's a girl I think" and I almost melted. A girl! A daughter! Finally! We would have been just as happy hearing "It's a boy" but I had finally let myself start to believe this. I mean how many of you would after 90 days believed you were actually having a girl at this point? While the heart was melting into goo, my brain just wouldn't accept it as a truth there was this little nagging nelly in the back of my brain (and Matt's) saying, don't spend too much yet, keep reciepts, don't order bedding online just yet. Well good damn thing!
My heart was fully convinced we were having a little "Sutton Blythe" and my head was still waving it's pesky little finger at us "tsk, tsk, tsk"-ing us for believing such nonsense. We finally decided that getting a 4d ultrasound but from ANOTHER dr in the office was in order, if he confirmed the sex we would believe it 100% and I would get to go balls to the wall on a spending spree to pepto bismol the nursery up in all sorts of estorgen rich items!

GOOD THING WE CHECKED!!!!!!! Sutton has a penis! lol Well, not Sutton. That was the name we had picked had baby been a girl. After 3 previous ultrasounds this Dr flat out saw the wobbly bits and stated "This is no girl" LOL. Matt CHEERED! lol well his wallet cheered right along with I laughed and cried at the same It was lovely to have the confirmation, to know for sure, to have that 100% answer, or rather photographic proof of our little guys gender. After the shock wore off the sadness crept in. Not because I won't love this little monkey. I will. I already am madly in love with him. I'm not sad he's a boy. I'm saddened by the future dreams I won't be fullfilling for myself. Not the amazing future he and I will have together, the wonderful memories we will create as Mother and son, as I have with my other 4 sweet boys. I needed a hot minute to get teary over loosing out on pedicures and painting little piggies hot pink, ballet lessons and pricess crowns, prom dress shopping and wedding dresses, teaching a daughter about being a Mother and wife and about labor and breast feeding and watching a daughter be a Mother for the 1st time. I needed to mourn the death of these little dreams.
Some day, as will the rest of my son's, he will marry and I will have a wonderful daughter in law, I'll get to have these moments with them and maybe with my nieces if we live close enough and that will do just fine. I'll have football games and tonka trucks, mud pies and smelly puberty striken teenage boys and I'll love every second of it but as a Mother to only one gender of children can know, there is a twinge of sadness at not getting to experience the other side. Does that mean I won't love him? Or that I'm SAD he's not a It means a change of what I was expecting. It's ok to be sad when we don't get what we want in life all the time, God has a plan and he knows that I evidently need to raise son's and not daughters and thats just fine, but being sad at the loss of some dreams is ok because this is our last child (Matt's getting nuetered....errr...I mean having a vasectomy ) and the dream of having a daughter ends here. So let me have a moment would ya! Him being healthy is all that matters, it really is but I don't need anyone else to tell me that, I don't need to hear that I'll love him all the same. I already do, and I don't need to just "get over it already" haveing 24-48 hours to wrap my brain around giving up all the pink, and the cute girly name and wrapping my brain back around my sweet wee boy is ok. Hormones let the preggers absorb it
So here he is...our wee little Leland Xander Morris, all snuggly and shy in my belly. Due Sept 3 and already at 4lbs (the dr guesses) at the end of my 7th month.
I'll love this little man forever....but giving up dreams can take a try and be understanding.
As much of his face the Doctor could get since he's a bit squished in there.
His little face with his arm and hand over his face.
And the proof..........the 5th

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